5 Types of Chinese Bosses

By | May 11, 2016

If there’s someone most likely to drop into your nightmares, it is your boss. Our bosses are very special to us – they know what drives us, how to hurt us, and most shamefully, where our bottom lines are.

1. The Emperor Boss
The Emperor Boss literally have hand cancer – somehow they just can’t scan their own documents, buy their own coffee or book their own meeting rooms, and they are too cheap to hire an assistant. The Emperor Boss might boss you around, but they are not hard to please. You just need to take care of all his or her needs in life and make them satisfied. Light their cigarette? No problem! Pick their nose? I’m on it! Wipe their asshole? It’d be my pleasure! Just consider yourself your boss’ right hand, and do whatever a right hand is supposed to do, if you know what I mean.
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2. The Bitch Boss
Like Bitch in the Palace, Bitch in the Office sleeps their way up to the top. They may replace their Qing Dynasty costumes with tight suits, but they’re full of the same dirty little schemes. Watch out for the color of their lipstick – if someday they show up in the office with a bloody red lip color instead of light pink, someone is going to get their ass kicked. Be careful though, Bitch Boss is not reserved to just women. Next time you see a handsome but stupid young man who was promoted to a ridiculously high level, please send my best wishes to his bleeding butthole.
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3. The Credit Owner
The Credit Owner is the smartest type of boss. They know when to place themselves in a team and when to jump out as a leader. “I got a new business opportunity, but our team failed to close it.” “The client wasn’t happy with our team’s proposal, but I have a good idea for a Plan B.” “I personally think you’re a good employee, but it’s the team’s choice that you have to leave.” Well done, Boss, but guess what? I really think you are just a hypocritical asshole, but the team all agrees that you are also despicable and stupid.
4. The Boss 2G
Just like China’s rich and affluent 2nd Generation , Boss 2G is the same sort of creature in the office. Young girls love to fantasize about these Boss 2Gs, maybe because of the way they are featured in romance fantasies –  born to be rich, handsome and well educated, becoming VP of the family business at 24, and inevitably falling in love with a poor but stubborn girl. Well…wake up, Mary Sue! Because in real life these Boss 2Gs look exactly like their bald-headed dads who run a coal mine or a machine tool factory, and when he pushes you to a corner, the first thing touching you won’t be his lips, but his beer belly.
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5. The Pie Painter
Not every boss is lazy and stupid. Some of them clearly see value in you, but they just pretend they did not. Instead of paying you what you deserve, the Pie Painter Boss only makes up lies. “The package isn’t ideal, but after Series A I will double it for you!” “I know you’re being underpaid, but we’ll provide you a lot of opportunities to grow!” Enough of the bullshit. To deal with the Pie Painter Boss, you just need to apply what they did to you and give it back: “I know I’m always late for work, but trust me, ten years later I will be the best employee you’ve ever had.”
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Thanks for reading the article! Please forward it to your boss and add a comment: “I am so grateful that you are not like any of these bosses!” Promotion guaranteed.

4 thoughts on “5 Types of Chinese Bosses

  1. Lucien Deleeuw

    I have a question! What is the squeeze bottle for? Is it just so you can shake up the mix and then pour it into a regular container or paint tray?

    Reply

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